i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
