Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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