I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
