I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
