you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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