Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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