My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
