So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Randomize
