well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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