My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
