she kept yelling 'call me bella'
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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