he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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