Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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