I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
