apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
