their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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