Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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