And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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