I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
