I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
