i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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