I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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