I just saw a hot homeless man
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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