I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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