You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
