The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
