listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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