So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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