Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
