Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
