I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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