omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
