This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
