last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
