my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
