shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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