Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
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I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
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COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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