Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
