btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
