if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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