I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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