i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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