Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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