Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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