this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
