When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
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there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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