sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
