Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
