so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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