When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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