I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
