my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
