i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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