i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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