i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
