Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
