got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
