MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
