I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
