my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
