sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
